Sometimes it’s not a bad idea to give up. It causes those
who love us less pain! Even we might end up being better off if we give up at
the right time!
Sometimes, I feel angry toward the creation, not the
creator! God put the system in place, but it was that stupid me who didn’t give
up, and kept pushing till she was born! The chance should have been given to a
smarter version of me, but what can I say, smart ones are not usually into
fighting! At least my other possible smart versions were not!
It’s been nine months! Nine months since I died, that’s how
I refer to it, from the moment I chose death over life, although I was strongly
commanded not to, but I did! I didn’t
even know that it was possible for the pain to escalate and grow and grow and
grow to the point that… what point?! I don’t even know how worse it can get! I denied it for a little while, but there was no point! I
hate myself for the pain I caused those who loved me …… at least I did my best and pushed them out of my life!
I sometimes wish I could push myself out too! But it’s a bit
late for that…… I’m already born and trapped here! I live and there is this pain that I wake up
with in the morning, go through the day with, and go to bed with at night! He…!
Night???! Staying in bed and wrestling with my tears……
If I end it, I go to
hell and it’s probably the same, if not worse! If I go to the heaven … my situation
is not gonna change there either! I’m living in every human’s heaven right now
and it’s still unbearably heavy!I’m trapped, just because I didn’t give up when I should
have … some 29 years ago!
*********************************************************
Another Note:
No matter how long that isle is, as long as
you are standing at the end of, nothing can stop or scare me from walking down
it.... My eyes have been set on nothing but you since the moment I first saw
you! I'm gonna walk down that isle, even if I have to do it by myself, even if
the whole world is watching me nodding their heads in disagreement! I want to hold
your hands, and pray that the commissioner finishes his endless story before
you change your mind....I'm gonna hold my breath till I hear, with my own ears,
that you say: "I do!" and the voice says: I now pronounce you Husband
and Wife....
Then you kiss me………… we’ve rehearsed this moment
100000 times in my dreams! In my dreams, my heart always stops at this
moment..... I die as your woman......... and that's all I want in this life!
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