It’s Christmas day;
kids are running around, jumping from the sofa to the mattress, on top of the
chairs, crawling around on the carpet, and then into the grandma’s arms. Toys are in
every corner making funky noises. The warmth of having family around, the sound
of laughter on Christmas day, having sweets and warm homemade beverage after
lunch, “what is it if it’s not pure happiness” I thought to myself…
I’ve put the phone aside. I don’t even want to look at it
anymore! The cute pink cover with the heart shape shiny pandora means nothing
but waiting to me! Constant pain, the kind that burns your throat and you have to
swallow it before it turns into small
pearls and flow through your eyes; the kind that strikes in your chest and
makes you wanna puke all your being; the kind that comes and stays for months
and months and months, If not any longer, the pain I hold in my heart... This kind of pain has been around for too long. I can
remember, count, and describe every second of it. The heavy weight I’ve been
hiding under a big, sweet, fake smile, and ‘make up’ of course…
It’s been a week since the last message, the message that
came after weeks of waiting! And now, it’s waiting again…. but this time, it
feels different! After all, it was a
Christmas greeting, a wish for happiness that was left unanswered. What a silly
thought! How could I have expected a warm wish, a Merry Christmas when it was
not in his heart!?!? How could one who has given me nothing but constant pain,
wish me happy time?! How could one who
wants me to be miserable, send me a heartfelt greeting, even if it was just a
formal reply! But he could have just wished me death; he could have told me to
go to hell and disappear from the face of earth, and I still would have read it
million times and kept it close to my heart as I slept at night…. he didn’t! He
chose not to. He chose to make my sky even darker! Like that time he made me wait
till 4 in the morning, or that last time that he …
How much I’ve missed him! How painful it is! What is 10
months anyways?! It could have been 10 years, and I would have still felt this way……
how much I’ve missed holding his hand, looking at him, listening to his voice …….
How much I wish I was a cigarette in his hand!
This is a Merry Christmas, happy time with the loved ones,
the good time to spend with family, it’s Jesus’ birthday, but I feel so
lonely and sad without him……..
