Wednesday 28 November 2012

A Note to Myself


I think I need help, I just don’t know how to go about it! I’m becoming way too annoying… for myself and all those whom I care about! 
I’ve approached few people, but no one seems to really have time for me and my complications! And my pride is still too much to let me show my weakness to everyone… the funny thing is that people around me don’t mention anything! Am I that good of an actress?! Have they really not noticed, or they are just trying to be nice to make me feel good!? 
Now that I’ve decided to live for a bit longer, I may as well try to make it easier for myself. I might even eventually feel better and hopefully put this whole thing behind! Meanwhile, I feel I need help before my behavior get's out of control!

Note: don't make any decision for at least a week, you are not in any form qualified for that at the moment....
Note: not living is not an option at the moment. you have already considered the logistics of it....
Note: don't expect.... Just don't!


Tuesday 27 November 2012

I Wish You Enough


I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye." They say it takes a minute to find a special person. An hour to appreciate them. A day to love them. And an entire life to forget them... They are right!
Wherever you are, whatever you do... I wish you enough of every good thing...


and I wish me... You! 

Monday 19 November 2012

My Little Everything



Have you ever seen a little girl crying because her little gold fish has died? Have you seen tears flowing over her innocent cheeks? Have you seen the sadness in her eyes? What about the pain in her heart? Maybe not too long ago, you were that little girl yourself, or maybe even a little boy praying that your puppy comes home! Asking neighbors, posting pictures everywhere, hoping and waiting, and hoping and missing and missing and missing ….. 

Maybe your parents knew that the gold fish or the puppy were not gonna come back; maybe they were even somehow involved in them missing because of your allergy reaction or something; maybe they were even telling you that the gold fish was in a better place, and one day you will forget about the puppy; maybe they even thought this whole experience was cute and worth videotaping you, and posting it on youtube! "Let’s show your cute face crying over a dead gold fish to the whole world!"
 
You see, it was only a gold fish! A troublesome little puppy! Not having them around was not going to change your future. It might have been even better for your health! You could get over it eventually….. After all, how this small event was going to affect the life ahead of you?! "Go to bed tonight sweaty", wake up tomorrow and pretend nothing had ever happened! "Mommy will buy you another gold fish next week ……"

This is how sometimes I think God thinks about me and my lost little EVERYTHING! 

Maybe it’s too small to be even considered; maybe the way I’m crying over it, is just way too cute; maybe it is not going to affect my future at all; maybe it’s better for me not to have it; maybe he is going to give me a new one next month ……… 

He is right; he is God! but, my tears are real! To me, that little thing was everything!


Friday 9 November 2012

And We Kiss...



Sometimes it’s not a bad idea to give up. It causes those who love us less pain! Even we might end up being better off if we give up at the right time! 

Sometimes, I feel angry toward the creation, not the creator! God put the system in place, but it was that stupid me who didn’t give up, and kept pushing till she was born! The chance should have been given to a smarter version of me, but what can I say, smart ones are not usually into fighting! At least my other possible smart versions were not! 

It’s been nine months! Nine months since I died, that’s how I refer to it, from the moment I chose death over life, although I was strongly commanded not to, but I did!  I didn’t even know that it was possible for the pain to escalate and grow and grow and grow to the point that… what point?! I don’t even know how worse it can get! I denied it for a little while, but there was no point! I hate myself for the pain I caused those who loved me …… at least I did my best and pushed them out of my life!

I sometimes wish I could push myself out too! But it’s a bit late for that…… I’m already born and trapped here!  I live and there is this pain that I wake up with in the morning, go through the day with, and go to bed with at night! He…! Night???! Staying in bed and wrestling with my tears…… 

If I end it, I go to hell and it’s probably the same, if not worse! If I go to the heaven … my situation is not gonna change there either! I’m living in every human’s heaven right now and it’s still unbearably heavy!I’m trapped, just because I didn’t give up when I should have … some 29 years ago!



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Another Note: 

No matter how long that isle is, as long as you are standing at the end of, nothing can stop or scare me from walking down it.... My eyes have been set on nothing but you since the moment I first saw you! I'm gonna walk down that isle, even if I have to do it by myself, even if the whole world is watching me nodding their heads in disagreement! I want to hold your hands, and pray that the commissioner finishes his endless story before you change your mind....I'm gonna hold my breath till I hear, with my own ears, that you say: "I do!" and the voice says: I now pronounce you Husband and Wife....
Then you kiss me………… we’ve rehearsed this moment 100000 times in my dreams! In my dreams, my heart always stops at this moment..... I die as your woman.........  and that's all I want in this life!